Execution Dream

December 16, 2011

In the dream I had been a tourist in Iran for some reason and got rounded up with some other Westerners the govt. deemed spies. We were all standing in line to be processed for lethal injection. This was like a dream I had earlier this year in that I was certain the dream was real. I felt the emotions one might feel in this situation. Very upsetting. Who will take care of my cats? How long will it be before somebody realized I haven’t come back and I’m not going to? I thought of all the things going on at my house, the mail arriving, the furniture and the laundry detergent and all those things I’d left to come back to only I wouldn’t this time.

Another condemned individual asked one of our captors what it would be like once we went in to the death chamber, how long it took, how much would it hurt, and so forth. He was told that we would be given a sedative beforehand so we wouldn’t care about much about the pain once it all started to take place.

I realized then (he was ahead of me in line) that in about 20 minutes I would be dead, that no pardon was coming, that this was uncomfortable and I didn’t like it and I wanted to keep living the routine of my life. I heard another one of our captors, a lady, telling someone that death is always coming for everybody and this situation is no different from the ones we stand in from moment to moment anyway.

Being led down the hall to the death chamber. Dread sadness terror, feeling the concerns of my life grabbing at me, unfinished business, who will take care of my cats, who will be stuck with sorting out my financial affiars and how are they going to do it since no once else knows my account numbers, I’m leaving a mess, etc.

Thinking, I’ll say some mantras. Wait, I can only think of one, and I don’t know if it’s right for this situation. I haven’t practiced enough. I’m not ready. And feeling bad about that, like I’ve failed.

I woke to hear my husband getting out of the shower downstairs and instantly I knew I’d been dreaming.

So this is what I want to tell myself in this situation, now that I’m awake: You learned some mantras, say what you remember, and just be thankful that you took the time to learn them and have them now. You feel distressed and unready – death rarely happens any other way, so just accept your feelings. Just like life, with death things happen outside of your control, whether you want them to or not or whether or not you’re ready for them, so be gracious with yourself. You’re not going to feel ready.

Synchronicity. The first article I ran across this morning was this one: http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2012/01/hitchens-201201?fb_ref=social_fblike&fb_source=profile_multiline

So there’s been a death theme going on all year for me. I didn’t post the earliest events in the chain, I guess I should, but now I’m thinking, somebody’s trying to tell me something. Am I going to die soon?

This isn’t the first time I’ve felt the shadow of death hanging over me. I was hospitalized with pnuemonia when I was 6, and it was scary and I probably needed counseling for it. My obsession with “Is God going to get me and am I going to Hell” began later though, when I was 7, and I’m not sure if it’s because my grandmother scared me with her Jesus bullshit or if I heard something scary at church. There was no one for me to talk to about my fears.

Another time I thought I was going to die in an ER room. ER doctors gave me an initial assessment and decided to admit me to the hospital, so that made me ineligible for treatment in the ER, but there was no room ready in the hospital yet. I thought they were going to let me die there in the waiting room. I started to flail about and shout and they wheeled me into a nearby room, where I thought some help would arrive, but it was just to keep me from disturbing others. That was one long damn wait I can tell you.

Maybe it’s just a case of things coming up in midlife that you haven’t successfully processed earlier in life. Maybe I need to make out my will.

 

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